February Review

Okay, so as you may or may not remember, February was the month where I decided it would be a really good idea not to look at myself in the mirror. I also avoided photos of myself.

The goal was to jolt myself out of all the superficial evaluation I put myself through on a daily basis. I didn't think it was such a big part of my life until I had to consciously think about just how often I checked myself out on reflective surfaces.

It'd be one thing if I was like...

That's a problem, too, but it's not the problem I struggle with. It was more like...

So yeah, overall that state of affairs was pretty bullshit.

The first week or so, I kept messing up. It was hard, breaking a habit that had been instilled in me since before puberty. It's the end of February and I'm still messing up, but I've gotten better. Now, I don't seek out my reflection, and if I do accidentally get a look at myself, I make sure not to dwell on the image.

Has this had a positive effect on  me? Oh, maybe. It HAS helped me be more mindful about self-judgement, which is a big problem for me and pretty much every person I know. And I've also gotten the pleasant surprise of accidentally seeing myself in a photo and being weirdly non-critical of my appearance.

Normally, I would have thought, "Oh, gawd. Look at the size of me!"

Instead, I actually wondered, "Who's that girl who looks like a slow loris?"

Which I guess is kind of a good thing, more or less.

I'm kind of weirdly excited about getting to look in the mirror again. Not because I want to go back to judging myself all the time, but because... I mean, I haven't seen myself in a month. When Kjerstin Gruys didn't look at herself for a year, she said that seeing her reflection was like reuniting with an old friend. I guess that's how I feel right now.