Some Thoughts on CHILDREN OF THE CORN

This movie still kicks ass on so many levels. And while I'm still coming to terms with whether or not I love it in that Ultra Ironic, I'm-So-Cool-Because-I-Know-This-Sucks kind of way, I do have a few observations I'd like to share about the first Children of the Corn film.

First of all, this movie has Linda Hamilton in her pre-Sarah Connor days, playing the ditzy girlfriend. She spends a decent amount of the first twenty minutes asking Peter Horton why he's not marrying her. When they get to the creepy, kid-infested town of Gatlin, she immediately gets kidnapped. For the next 3/4 of the movie, Linda Hamilton is used as a prop to compel Peter Horton to kick some ass.

Because Peter Horton is our action hero in this movie.

Peter. Horton.

Remember that Baby-Sitters Club movie they made in the 90's, where we meet Kristy's shitty dad and he stands her up at a carnival and she waits, crying, in the rain for hours?

THAT GUY.

It's super weird watching Sarah Connor get overwhelmed by a bunch of children, even if they are carrying scythes. But that brings me to this movie's next bit of awesomeness...

There just aren't enough movies where adults are earnestly fighting children. Because honestly, that's the only way that most of us would be able to kick any kind of ass. We all want to be Ellen Ripley or the Terminator, but most people I know would probably start crying during a fight.

But against a bunch of nine-year-olds? I might stand a chance.

And for anybody who's ever had to endure a plane trip beside an unruly twelve-year-old who will NOT stop causing a ruckus, Children of the Corn should come free with your in-flight meal.

That said, the kids in Gatlin aren't actually all that scary. I did end up loving Isaac, the leader kid with the weird, old-man face. He's like twelve or something, but he sort of looks forty?

Anwyway, I was really into how authoritative he was, especially when he was bossing around that homicidal ginger kid, Malachi.

I wish I could be that assertive every day. There are so many things that annoy me that I should speak up about. Like... When someone asks me how I'm doing, and I say I'm okay, and then they just go...

"Are you sure?"

What in the natural fuck is that? Of course I'm sure. And even if I weren't sure, I certainly don't want to talk to YOU about it, now do I?

Cheese and rice.

If I've learned anything from Children of the Corn, the best way to make sure that never happens again is to just practice my crazy eye and reply...